Log in

takyttik82 [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ archive | journal archive ]

Dreams of my father [Jun. 24th, 2016|06:25 pm]
[Current Location |Mom's house]
[mood |Relaxing]
[music |Favorite playlist]

I came home so tired from work yesterday, I just fell on the couch and slept. I don't remember how my dream began. Only up until the part where me & Jona were laying across from each other sharing a couch in the living room. My dad walks by retiring to his room like he normally does after he uses the bathroom and drinks from a gallon of water. I look at the back of his head and noticed his white hair is growing out from the jet black hair dye. I wanted to chat with him before he goes by asking him, "Dad did you recently dye your hair?" Then quickly noticed a video cassette tape in his back pocket. I grabbed up to look at the list of videos on it and asked him, "what's in this tape?" There was a long list. I just remember the first line started with a D. I believe it was either Dom or Dion's name. Dad replied, "I'm gonna watch ____ wedding." It felt like he was telling me Grandma & grandpa's 50th wedding anniversary. Dad looked so sad as if he didn't want to go. In my head I was thinking as I was looking at his sad face, "is it possible to be sad in heaven?" I asked my father, "how's heaven?" He looked at me with surprise and says, "what?" And I asked again, "What is heaven like?" I just knew he would disappear.
I woke up in my quiet living room and the background noise of the shower running (Learon was showering). I was just overwhelmed with missing my father I could just breakdown. I thought to myself about how my mother must have felt missing him all this time and how Aures feels when she breaks down and cries and that I may experience the loss of my husband one day. I counted my blessing on having a great husband.

I've had many dreams of my dad. I believe his spirit is alive and he can communicate with me in my dreams. Sounds crazy right? And at 10:22AM orPM when I happen to see that time, is his way of telling me that hes around. In one dream, him and Tito Boy attended my wedding.

I just found out today that my parents anniversary was 2 days ago. I always think about the anniversary when they were suppose to renew their vows but dad was so sick it could not happen. That was the same year he passed. My mom feels bad every time she thinks about it. I would hate to hold that feeling of regret.
linkpost comment

(no subject) [Oct. 26th, 2012|02:36 am]
Ok, so today I come home, I do laundry while learon goes to the bank MOm tells me about PTA meeting for Angelo. Im always down for the cause cause Im always dwn fro my nephew n his academics...............................

i go.. blah blah blah....

Me n learon have a fight about his underlying issues about his son (ig coincidence)

ME N MOMMY IS PISSEED because angel has been side tracking us about his high swchool and we comne to find outr about his specialized high school test thuis saturday.

Now I feeel stupid cause Im asking qurstions in teh meeting about it n theres already worshop n info about this.

I shouldnt feel embarassed. Rose should!!!!!
linkpost comment

its 10/25/12.. "restoring" data [Oct. 26th, 2012|02:29 am]
That's what Ive been saying for a lil while now. ANd that I have nothing to look forward too. Absolutely nothing.

FIrst off I'm tired of everyone asking me when I'm getting married n having kids. I wanna punch them in their face cause it's insulting me. Because if I'm qulaified in their eyes as a other and a wife then why doesnt Leron see it? Because Learon deals with my bullshit n sees that I can't fulfill his desire to be the woman of his dreams. I don;'t have it in me. I'm down n out. I'm a piece of shit in my eyes. I'm gonna be 30 and I havent accomplished my desire goals. I hate everything n everyone. Im not happy. And Im not gonna be happy in a very long time. For what? What material thing in this world would make me happy? what event can take place that can make me the happiest? Nothing but what I intended before 30.And I have to live with it. forever until it happens after 30. My debt will always be there. My unaccomplished goals will always be there. And now I'm lost. Where do I go from here. I have an idea... I passed that class I took in La Guardia. Now it's the matter of taking classes over again to get into this stupid nursing program which is gonna hold me back another year. I need A's to get in... ugh. I'm already discouraged.
linkpost comment

Life in general [Jun. 30th, 2012|02:11 pm]
[Current Location |United States, New York, Astoria]
[mood |focused]
[music |Perfect- simple plan, Drake- successful ]

I'm of today. It's a weekend... and for the last 3 years, I gave up my weekends to attend school fulltime. I'm talking every sat & sun from 730 to midnight for the last 3 years. ANd I didn't accomplish my goal for 30 and I just feel like a total failure. I'm gonna be 30 and I havent earned a college degree. That's all I really want in my life. That would validate me. I don't care how good of a person I am or how good of a nurse I am. The only thing measureable and relevant is how good of a student I am. And I can't get it. I just don't get it. I want it so bad and I failed. How?

I got rid of all the distractions in my life. Boys, my friends, facebook. Now it's jsut me n my investment, my future. I don't want to give up. But my spirits are low and so is my confidence. I'm trying to balance my life. Work, school, my family and my relationship. I've negelected them here and there and I got nowhere. I feel like I let my dad down and my proud mother. I feel like shit.

I don't feel as smart as people think I am. Or am I just "crazy" that I can't concentrate on the one thing that I want. SHould I go on medication? I do get anxiety and depressed and I'm trying to learn not to. But I won't get better if I don't overcome. I have nothing to look firward to in the future. NO graduation, no promotion, no marriage and kids. But I have to go on living so I'm gonna try once more...

I am taking a class in LaGuardia community college. I'm actually going backwards to where I messed up to "start over" again. My plan goes as follows: I'm taking out 5 classes from my transcript so I can take 3 out of the 5 classes relevant to my degree and do better so the chances of geting into the nursing program can be better. It pushes me back a year but, I've wasted 3 and 20,000 grand already and I need to prove to myself that I can do it and I should believe in myself even if other don't. I'm doing it all for me. Because all this time, I ahve put other people and their problmes before me. I can't do that anymore. I want to me a mom and a wife and I have to be a better person for them if that ever happens.

I transferred in to La Guardia with high hopes but that I will make my education my life if I don't have kids and a husband. But not everyone was supportive. I walk into the Nursing department in the school. And I needed a department head to sign my change of major form to undeclared health. This white lady looked at my transcript in front of her staff and basiclaly told me that I'm wasting my time and I won't get in but she'll still sign it anyway. I held back my tears until I finally left the school and I cried 3 times. I felt like super shit. But I vowed to go back to school and even if Nursing doesn't work out, I'll go for Business Administration. I want a degree and that's what my life is gonna be for the next decade of my life. Wish me luck and pray for me.
linkpost comment

(no subject) [Jan. 19th, 2012|07:54 pm]
So I finished mom and dads collage for the wake. I have his artwork collage to do and tape the fam pics collage. So thats almost out of the way. Eeryone is sound asleep. i just wanna enjoy this quiet time alone at home. Im tired Mentally.

BTW before i forget, ive been having weird dreams. Bad ones. 2 of my exes and one about Mina. And Ive found like 3 pics of my exes. Its so weird. I love Learon and this moment in my life made me realize how much of a great guy he turned out to be. Wouldn't ruin my relationship for any jerk.

Back to being mentally tired, there's jsut so much to do for a person's funeral. Im so glad Ive coordinated a few things and added my personal touch because this is important to me. And Im honored to glorify him. I still have to finish my eulogy.

Im looking for this one picture of Yuka and my parents. I had it earlier... things have been so hectic around the house that it just disapears or gets misplaced. Every detail matters to me. But Im not gonna stress the little ones. I appreciate Jona for her help. ANd Im glad my mom is also do what she can and holding up pretty well. WE're all here for each other. Shes amazing that shes so strong for all of us. And that's 7 kids of her own plus 2 grandkids.

My BFFs are so supportive. They truly care. It's so nice. Plus my coworkers especially my ADN. Theyre concerned and I appreciate it. Those that will come Wednesday will see how opene and loving and honest I am with my family.

My aunts are coping and grieving well (I believe)./
linkpost comment

Always be daddy's little girl [Oct. 19th, 2011|11:14 pm]
[mood |nostalgicnostalgic]

I just came home. From teh hospital. I played my dad's music like he would in his room. I selected "every breath you take." Now Im looking at pictures of him and smile and tear up. We ould always dance together in parties. He loved to dance. He would always ask me to dance with him. How can I say no. I said all my sorries, thank yous, appreciations, regrets, promises, prayers, wishes, and memories to him. I adore him. i will miss his jokes and music and singing. I remember we would always hog the karaoke mic. ANd we would always watch movies together.

I will never forget how he loved my mom always. "To my love..." june 1, 2010 toast to my mom.
I love you dad! I will make you so proud of me!
linkpost comment

My boobs [Oct. 11th, 2011|11:07 pm]
[mood |lovedloved]

Ill get teh ones from my phone another time. I miss her. Shes so cute.
link1 comment|post comment

Wrote on June something [Oct. 11th, 2011|10:14 pm]
I didn't do overtime today. I'm drnking and chillaxin n front of the comp. Tom. is Learon's grad party. Hope it turns out well. It's gonna be a crazy mix. a whole bunch of black ppl and my ppl in a filipino restaurant. LOL. Me n Learon had a huge argument today. over something stupid. Hes annoying./ Period int bkacnk. My gel wrapped nails are not allowing me to tyope properly so just figure it out. Im not drunk... yet. hehe. Im wondering hows dion doing. I guess i should call him hiold on...
linkpost comment

(no subject) [Aug. 20th, 2010|01:26 am]
[Current Location |computer]
[mood |anxiousanxious]
[music |mario- break up]

Finding myself in the same places.

It late. I have work int he morning but cant sleep. I figure, I would togh it out since its only 1 shft. I started school this week. I hope I get it right this time around.

I havent spoken to Learon since 4pm yesterday. it was so awkward when Sharyka, my best friend;s cousin asked me not once but tweice about him... normally, I replied ecerthing's all good... but it wasnt. far from the truth! We were unhapy and had no attempts to turn teh relatonship around for the better. Its so sad....
linkpost comment

(no subject) [Aug. 15th, 2008|08:30 am]
I woke up early and now i cant go back to sleep cause all im thinking baout is him. Im high right now. Hopefully it can put me right back to sleep. I miss him. but im not giving in or shouldnt take him back either. I hate that i ever loved him.
linkpost comment

[ viewing | most recent entries ]