|Life in general
||[Jun. 30th, 2012|02:11 pm]
I'm of today. It's a weekend... and for the last 3 years, I gave up my weekends to attend school fulltime. I'm talking every sat & sun from 730 to midnight for the last 3 years. ANd I didn't accomplish my goal for 30 and I just feel like a total failure. I'm gonna be 30 and I havent earned a college degree. That's all I really want in my life. That would validate me. I don't care how good of a person I am or how good of a nurse I am. The only thing measureable and relevant is how good of a student I am. And I can't get it. I just don't get it. I want it so bad and I failed. How?
I got rid of all the distractions in my life. Boys, my friends, facebook. Now it's jsut me n my investment, my future. I don't want to give up. But my spirits are low and so is my confidence. I'm trying to balance my life. Work, school, my family and my relationship. I've negelected them here and there and I got nowhere. I feel like I let my dad down and my proud mother. I feel like shit.
I don't feel as smart as people think I am. Or am I just "crazy" that I can't concentrate on the one thing that I want. SHould I go on medication? I do get anxiety and depressed and I'm trying to learn not to. But I won't get better if I don't overcome. I have nothing to look firward to in the future. NO graduation, no promotion, no marriage and kids. But I have to go on living so I'm gonna try once more...
I am taking a class in LaGuardia community college. I'm actually going backwards to where I messed up to "start over" again. My plan goes as follows: I'm taking out 5 classes from my transcript so I can take 3 out of the 5 classes relevant to my degree and do better so the chances of geting into the nursing program can be better. It pushes me back a year but, I've wasted 3 and 20,000 grand already and I need to prove to myself that I can do it and I should believe in myself even if other don't. I'm doing it all for me. Because all this time, I ahve put other people and their problmes before me. I can't do that anymore. I want to me a mom and a wife and I have to be a better person for them if that ever happens.
I transferred in to La Guardia with high hopes but that I will make my education my life if I don't have kids and a husband. But not everyone was supportive. I walk into the Nursing department in the school. And I needed a department head to sign my change of major form to undeclared health. This white lady looked at my transcript in front of her staff and basiclaly told me that I'm wasting my time and I won't get in but she'll still sign it anyway. I held back my tears until I finally left the school and I cried 3 times. I felt like super shit. But I vowed to go back to school and even if Nursing doesn't work out, I'll go for Business Administration. I want a degree and that's what my life is gonna be for the next decade of my life. Wish me luck and pray for me.